cirque du bebe

In an abusive relationship

Thu, 10 May 2012 04:04:48 +0000

With myself.

I was in an abusive relationship around 14 years ago. I thought I could change him and saw so much more potential in him and us than was ever there.

Now, I’m realizing that I’m in that sort of relationship again. Only this time it’s with myself. I’ve been pushing myself too hard, accepting too much responsibility and now I’ve literally made myself sick. I’ve been experiencing stomach issues off and on for the past two weeks. With the worst of it coming this past Monday. It was to the point where I thought I may have actually had appendicitis. My right side is still hurting but at least I now know after having blood work and a CT scan that I’m not going to lose my appendix anytime soon. Or time with my family.

Thinking back over the past few years, I seem to always get sick when under a lot of pressure. So why do this to myself? Why try to overachieve and please everyone? Is it really worth it?

How can I break-up with her, my ego?

Dead End

Fri, 04 May 2012 20:45:18 +0000

I’ve hit a dead end. And as I’ve put in my Secrets of Adulthood – Dead ends are just that. What did I mean by that? I meant that don’t expect some magical portal to open up and the dead end to become any better than it was.

I’ll state it again. I’ve hit a dead end. The question really is, do I care? Or it is comfortable sitting in this alley with the trash and the stink? The darkness? Do I have Stockholm Syndrome? Am I a monkey living in the monkey house?

At what point do use and old age accept them? Is it 38?

Get the Balance Right

Fri, 04 May 2012 02:43:51 +0000

Remember that post where I said I didn’t want to whine? Yeah, well …

The title of this post is the title of a song by one of my favorite bands, Depeche Mode. The song isn’t that great really but does pose some interesting ideas. “Don’t turn this way. Don’t turn that way. Straight down the middle until next Thursday.” That’s one lyric and I’ve been feeling that way in my life so much lately.

As far as my work/life balance, I can’t set to get the balance right. If I’m suceeding in one area, I’m failing in the other. Lately, I feel as though I’ve been failing in both. I’m behind at work, trying to catch up, working late and because of that the dishes are piled in the sink and we barely have clean clothes to wear because I haven’t been doing laundry. I’m tired and cranky and tend to yell more than I should. I’m depressed because it seems like I’m clawing away at this tunnel I can’t get out of. Just when I see the light, it seems someone or something comes along and says “Nope, back in the hole!” and I’m kicked down again.

“Straight down the middle until next Thursday” — then the next Thursday, then the next Thursday. “You think you’ve got a hold of it all. You haven’t got a hold at all.”

So what I want to know … to anyone who might still be reading … if you’re a working mother and you’ve found a solution what is it?

There must be a dog nearby …

Tue, 01 May 2012 01:35:06 +0000

We are not entirely sure why but whenever Princess sees a dog, she blows as if she’s trying to blow out candles or cool off food. Even before we spot the dog, if she starts blowing we know there must be dog close by. Very odd. Just another little tidbit I want to remember when they grow older.

Hamburger Tree

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 03:06:06 +0000

So Monkey was pointing out the sesame seeds on the hamburger bun of the burgers Daddy made the other night. He commented, “If you take one if these seeds and bury them in the backyard, a hamburger tree will come up. Then Daddy won’t have to make them anymore.”

This is the kind of stuff I need to record and remember.