I was in an abusive relationship around 14 years ago. I thought I could change him and saw so much more potential in him and us than was ever there.

Now, I’m realizing that I’m in that sort of relationship again. Only this time it’s with myself. I’ve been pushing myself too hard, accepting too much responsibility and now I’ve literally made myself sick. I’ve been experiencing stomach issues off and on for the past two weeks. With the worst of it coming this past Monday. It was to the point where I thought I may have actually had appendicitis. My right side is still hurting but at least I now know after having blood work and a CT scan that I’m not going to lose my appendix anytime soon. Or time with my family.

Thinking back over the past few years, I seem to always get sick when under a lot of pressure. So why do this to myself? Why try to overachieve and please everyone? Is it really worth it?

How can I break-up with her, my ego?

The title of this post is the title of a song by one of my favorite bands, Depeche Mode.  The song isn’t that great really but does pose some interesting ideas.  “Don’t turn this way.  Don’t turn that way.  Straight down the middle until next Thursday.”  That’s one lyric and I’ve been feeling that way in my life so much lately.

As far as my work/life balance, I can’t set to get the balance right.  If I’m suceeding in one area, I’m failing in the other.  Lately, I feel as though I’ve been failing in both.  I’m behind at work, trying to catch up, working late and because of that the dishes are piled in the sink and we barely have clean clothes to wear because I haven’t been doing laundry.  I’m tired and cranky and tend to yell more than I should.  I’m depressed because it seems like I’m clawing away at this tunnel I can’t get out of.  Just when I see the light, it seems someone or something comes along and says “Nope, back in the hole!” and I’m kicked down again.

“Straight down the middle until next Thursday”  — then the next Thursday, then the next Thursday.  “You think you’ve got a hold of it all.  You haven’t got a hold at all.”

So what I want to know … to anyone who might still be reading … if you’re a working mother and you’ve found a solution what is it?

I can describe it and if I get the chance, I might put an audio file up.  It’s something like “A-tee-hee-hee”.  So cute.

And things that didn’t appeal to Monkey at this age, appeal to her.  Like my hairbrushes and makeup.  Advertisers and product designers must be reaching into some primordial influence because I haven’t gone out of my way to introduce her to those things (she is after all only 1 1/2), she just finds them the most appealing when rummaging through my bathroom cabinet.  I remember with Monkey it was hubby’s deodorant that he always played with when going through the cabinets in the morning.  I didn’t think anything of it then but now I wonder if the makers of Old Spice deodorant are tapping into some primordial thing Monkey has as a male.

She’s developed quite the little personality and I can definitely see some differences in her reactions as a little girl.  It’s strange but she is a bit more dramatic than her brother was at this age.  It’s as if we’re wired to be that way.  She’s so beautiful though.  Even when she’s thrown herself on the floor because mommy needs to take a shower.

She’s not walking yet.  I blame myself partly for that.  With Monkey, I stayed home and worked part-time his first year and half.  With Princess, we made the choice for me to go back to work so we could save up money towards a new house  — btw, we are moving soon!  All of this means she hasn’t received as much attention or teaching as he did.  But she’s getting there.  It will happen.  I’m not sweating it.

The one thing I am sweating is quitting breastfeeding.  I’m secretly holding onto this because I know she’s our last baby.  Plus, I’m lazy.  It’s so much easier to breastfeed at night instead of using bottles.  Yes, she’s not sleeping through the night either.  She gets up anywhere between 1-3 times a night.  Right now I think it’s due teething — she’s only got 2!  There’s another 2 on top trying to break through at the same time now and I’m sure that’s painful.

Princess loves her brother.  She smiles whenever he does anything.  She likes crawling over to him and giving him hugs.  And he too loves her.  Last night I was giving her a bath and she decided that she was going to try to stand up and grab something that fell out of the tub.  Bad idea.  If I hadn’t of been right there to grab her arm (which of course, where else would I be at this stage), she would have hit her head on the toilet.  But I think the shock of me grabbing her arm to pull her back really scared her.  She started crying hard and I ended up getting her out of the bath and holding her wrapped up in a towel for a long time before she calmed down.  Point of me telling you this is that Monkey came rushing in and asked if he could give her a hug.  He’s so sweet.  And his hug definitely helped!

I’m loving and dreading Princess growing up all at the same time.  It makes it harder when I think Monkey has grown so fast.  Blink and its gone.  I wish I could capture not just pictures and videos but actual memories complete with touch and smell.  Each time Princess puts her hand on my face or Monkey gives me a kiss goodbye at school — I wish I could capture that for a lifetime and relive it with each sense in place years from now.