Filed under For better or for worse

In an abusive relationship

With myself.

I was in an abusive relationship around 14 years ago. I thought I could change him and saw so much more potential in him and us than was ever there.

Now, I’m realizing that I’m in that sort of relationship again. Only this time it’s with myself. I’ve been pushing myself too hard, accepting too much responsibility and now I’ve literally made myself sick. I’ve been experiencing stomach issues off and on for the past two weeks. With the worst of it coming this past Monday. It was to the point where I thought I may have actually had appendicitis. My right side is still hurting but at least I now know after having blood work and a CT scan that I’m not going to lose my appendix anytime soon. Or time with my family.

Thinking back over the past few years, I seem to always get sick when under a lot of pressure. So why do this to myself? Why try to overachieve and please everyone? Is it really worth it?

How can I break-up with her, my ego?

Dead End

I’ve hit a dead end.  And as I’ve put in my Secrets of Adulthood – Dead ends are just that.  What did I mean by that?  I meant that don’t expect some magical portal to open up and the dead end to become any better than it was.

I’ll state it again.  I’ve hit a dead end.  The question really is, do I care?  Or it is comfortable sitting in this alley with the trash and the stink?  The darkness?  Do I have Stockholm Syndrome?  Am I a monkey living in the monkey house?

At what point do use and old age accept them?  Is it 38?

Get the Balance Right

Remember that post where I said I didn’t want to whine?  Yeah, well …

The title of this post is the title of a song by one of my favorite bands, Depeche Mode.  The song isn’t that great really but does pose some interesting ideas.  “Don’t turn this way.  Don’t turn that way.  Straight down the middle until next Thursday.”  That’s one lyric and I’ve been feeling that way in my life so much lately.

As far as my work/life balance, I can’t set to get the balance right.  If I’m suceeding in one area, I’m failing in the other.  Lately, I feel as though I’ve been failing in both.  I’m behind at work, trying to catch up, working late and because of that the dishes are piled in the sink and we barely have clean clothes to wear because I haven’t been doing laundry.  I’m tired and cranky and tend to yell more than I should.  I’m depressed because it seems like I’m clawing away at this tunnel I can’t get out of.  Just when I see the light, it seems someone or something comes along and says “Nope, back in the hole!” and I’m kicked down again.

“Straight down the middle until next Thursday”  — then the next Thursday, then the next Thursday.  “You think you’ve got a hold of it all.  You haven’t got a hold at all.”

So what I want to know … to anyone who might still be reading … if you’re a working mother and you’ve found a solution what is it?

Week one was good but tough

This first week home with Princess was wonderful but trying. Thank God my mother-in-law was here to help out and thank God we have the most giving daycare provider ever!

Princess was sent home with elevated billirubin levels. The doctor seemed to think that with enough feeding and sunlight she would get over the jaundice without additional day under a billirubin blanket.

In addition, Monkey had developed the sniffles which a few days later turned into a full blown cold. Luckily, he had no fever so our daycare provider graciously kept letting him come — even keeping him late one night just to keep his germs away from Princess!

Well, it rained Monday – Thursday. Not much sunlight. So each day we took her back to the hospital to be tested (involving a pin prick to her foot to gather blood each time). Not fun. And each day the doctor would call back saying the levels had crept up a bit but to stay the course essentially.

When I got the call Thursday, I became a little mad when the nurse told me she couldn’t find a medical rental agency in our vicinity that had a blanket available. I told her I’d be willing to drive one state over if necessary, but apparently she was done calling around. Again, stay the course.

So I started to worry that maybe my supply wasn’t enough and perhaps I should express milk that night just so we’d know exactly how much she was getting. I was having flashbacks to when Monkey had jaundice and ended up giving him a bottle on day two because I couldn’t get a hold on the breastfeeding thing.

Next morning, it was sunny so I put her in our bedroom window which catches the most sunlight at that time of day. Then after an hour or so of sunlight went back yet again to the hospital.

As we were leaving the hospital, I started to shiver uncontrollably. I was freezing. When we got home I felt really ill and changed into some sweatpants and put my robe on but was still shivering. My MIL said my lips were bluish white and told me to lay down. She covered me with two blankets and that helped. I fell asleep for about an hour but when I got up, nothing had changed.

That’s when I decided to take my temperature. 104.1! I took some ibuprofen and waited a half hour–104.3! It was then that I decided to to the ER. My MIL drove me there but just as we were getting in the car, my daycare provider called and said Monkey’s cough was getting worse and that he was miserable. I explained what was going on and she agreed to keep him anyway.

So why did I have a fever? Mastitis! On week one! They gave me IV fluids and antibiotics — within two hours the fever was down enough that I could go home.

Tough week but with help of those around us, the cirque family made it through. Ever thankful for my family and friends!

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Baby Bliss

I’m officially in baby bliss.  Not positive if it was because I was so inexperienced or because Monkey had GERD or because of post-partum depression, but I was quite miserable when Monkey was first born.  And I’m having some regrets about that, wishing I had enjoyed his infancy as much as I’m enjoying Princess as newborn.  It wasn’t his fault, afterall, he was just a baby. 

Not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but about a year after Monkey was born I started therapy because I was severely depressed.  The therapist said that it was probably prolonged from not treating post-partum depression right away.  So I went on Paxil, then Zoloft and it turned out to be the best decision for me.  I was able to concentrate more, be focused on things that mattered and not dwell endlessly on those things which didn’t.

I had to go off of the medication during Princess’ third trimester and I decided when I found that I was pregnant that I would go off of it for the entire pregnancy.  That was difficult but gave me a peace of mind that anything she could end up having disability-wise, wouldn’t be from me taking Zoloft.  I started the medication right away after giving birth to her and I think it has definitely helped.  That along with the super easy delivery of Princess.  I didn’t tear as much this time and I feel great overall — not worn out and battered.

Anyway, I’m writing this because if anyone out there is struggling after having given birth, don’t wait to see someone about it.  Don’t tough it out or think it’s normal to be that miserable.  Get some help so you can enjoy your baby sooner than later.

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