It has recently been pressing on my brain that I NEED to be in control of my body and how it functions.  I suppose its the fact that I’m working at what feels like 40% capacity of my normal self due to the fact that I’m in my third trimester.  I can’t get around quickly, I tire easily, my mood shifts drastically and I feel unable to cope with many of my day-to-day responsibilities.  Which is why it has become ever so evident that once kid #2 is out, I must — no, ifs, ands or buts — take care of myself.  Sounds selfish but really in the end (another lesson which has become ever so evident) no is going to take care of you, except YOU.

YOU need a nap.  YOU take it.  MAKE it happen.  Don’t expect anyone else to care about your needs.

YOU need to eat.  EAT.  Don’t wait for appropriate “dinner” time or for anyone else to get hungry enough to participate with you.

And lastly, YOU need to exercise.  Don’t expect anyone to make time in their schedule for you to fit in it.  YOU do it when it’s convenient for YOU, NOT THEM.

Meeting these needs is difficult when you are repsonsible for one, soon to be two, little ones.  But I MUST make it work.  It’s critical not only to my own well-being but to my children.  I must be a well-oiled, fine-tuned machine — for them.  They deserve a mother who is healthy, balanced and not on the brink of a meltdown due to lack of care for herself.

The problem I see right now is the weight — I’m heavier now than I was with Monkey at his birth.  Partly due to starting out heavier (even with the 6 pounds I lost in the first trimester, I started out heavier), partly because I’ve been emotionally eating.  Home, work and personal life hasn’t been what I want it to be lately and while I started out with good intentions on the self-discovery path, it’s all degraded into binging on chocolate with the justification: “This is the last time I can eat like a pig and get away with it.” 

Now I have roughly 40 pounds I need to lose in order to be a healthy weight (according to BMI charts), only 25 of that is “baby weight”.  Sure lots of that will be gone when the baby comes out and breastfeeding will help.  But I can’t depend on those solely.  I must exercise and eat right.  I need to be like a lioness, fit and lean, ready for the kill and to provide for my cubs.

There are lots of reasons this is coming out now but one thought I had yesterday while driving to the water park made it really hit home for me.  Monkey and I were in the car and this heavy-set woman (not pregnant but overweight) was on the side of the road waiting to cross.  As we passed by I looked in my rear view mirror and saw her do the same thing I do now to “get going” — a little “heave-ho” move to get your body started because it needs more momentum than it used to need.  And it struck me, losing weight isn’t easy.  It’s a downward spiral once you start gaining weight and it’s one that’s hard to stop.

Now this isn’t to say I’m striving for a model’s body.  I just need to be FIT, HEALTHY, and AGILE so I can do what I need to do efficiently.  It’s very daunting though.  It’s a big task which truly has no ending.  It’s a lifetime commitment.  Maybe I should buy myself a wedding card … Congratulations, La Folle and her body on their new life together!