Okay, I lied. Apparently I DO have something to say. AND it’s a LONG one.
Today I went into the office for an All-hands meeting. Afterwards, a co-worker of mine pulled me into her office while I was walking to another area of the building for another meeting. She just entered her third trimester and was asking me questions. I could tell she was really nervous about the whole thing because as she mentioned more than once, neither her nor her husband have family in the U.S. or many friends in this area. She was asking me about whom to approach in the office about maternity leave, the benefits our company provides, etc. I described the appropriate channels to go through and how the leave worked (or the best I could since my memory for things even 9 months ago is horrible).
She kept saying, “I’m so scared,” and asked if it, it being Motherhood, was any easier now that lil’ Monkey is almost a year old.
First, this was a wakeup call to me. I bitch, whine and moan about how horrible things are, how I can’t catch up on ANYTHING and how I’m always yearning for just one more hour of sleep. However, in that moment, I flashed back to when Monkey was first born. Things were difficult. Much more difficult than they are now. At least now, I have some semblance of what to do and when to do those things. I may not be on the mark each time but I pretty much know now when his diaper is dirty, when he’s hungry, how to feed him (although that is ever changing as we move into the land of solids) and when he’s ready to sleep.
Second, I wasn’t sure what to tell her. I didn’t want to sugar coat it yet I didn’t want to horrify her anymore than she already was. PLUS, there was a ticking clock in my head since my PM had just popped into her office with a head nod meaning, “I’m ready whenever you are.”
I said, “The first three months are hard. I won’t lie. But then things get better and around 3-4 months you can try getting the baby on a schedule and by 6 months, things are even better. Then they turn mobile and it’s a whole new ballgame.” Did I go to far with that last one? Oops … okay backtrack … “But you’re learning each thing as you go not all at once as you are in the first three months.” Damn, why’d you say that?!
Then, she said to me, “You make it look so easy.”
I paused for more than a second thinking back on all of the times I’ve been to the office since Monkey’s birth. Up until we got the sitter a month ago, I’d often have him with me for a brief meeting with my PM which meant usually having to pacify him, rock him or feed him in order to cause as little commotion as possible. I’d often wonder after leaving the office, “They must hate me and think I’m a mess.”
Finally, I responded, “Oh, that’s just a facade. Sometimes on the inside, I’m freaking out.” More like, MOST of the time. I just hope I didn’t send too much of a mixed message to her this afternoon.
I did divert the conversation quickly at the end to the new breast pump she had on the floor, still in the box. It’s the same one I use. I said, “Oh that’s a good pump. You’ll like it.” Then for some reason I felt obligated to say something about breastfeeding (I usually leave this sensitive topic alone but since I KNEW she was considering it by the evidence of the pump, I thought I’d broach it).
“Oh and don’t be too hard on yourself about the breastfeeding. It takes time and it’s not as easy as popping the kid on. So don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get it right away.” Then I recounted one of my favorite passages from a mothering book I have, “It’s like dancing with a new partner. You’re both learning the dance. You have to learn and he has to learn, so it takes a while to get it right.” I’m positive those are not the EXACT words from the book but the sentiment is the same.
After my meetings, I finally left work and after picking Monkey up from the sitter’s, I was marveling at how “put together” our sitter seems. I mean the woman was washing WINDOWS at 8 o’clock this morning when I dropped him off!! AND she had obviously organized her entire garage sometime between Wednesday when I picked Monkey up and this morning! And she has 3 boys of her own, who BTW, are all off from school this week! I’m constantly telling DH about how she just HANDLES it, whatever IT may be. I say how much I wish I could be like that because whatever IT is, she’s calm and collected or firm when needed. Not flustered or distressed like I am when Monkey won’t cooperate (especially when he won’t let me finish putting his diaper on — boy does that get me worked up). I mean, I’ve YELLED once before and felt miserable afterwards for having done it. This isn’t a regular occurrence by any means but the fact that I couldn’t just HANDLE it in a suitable fashion just distressed me more.
“You make it look so easy.”
I haven’t uttered these words to my sitter but I’ve certainly thought it. I wonder if she ever feels like I feel. Or has ever lost her cool. Do we all lose our facade when others aren’t around? Is there a way for me to somehow incorporate this facade into my repertoire of parenting skills and use it even when no one is around? And if so, is that unhealthy?
