That would describe me lately. Finding the tightrope walk between motherhood and working mother just too difficult lately. But the trapeze artist must walk the line if she wants to keep her tent. Okay, enough with the metaphors.
Lately, dear Hubby has been taking on all of the homework tasks with Monkey and studying, keeping up with his rewards and making sure he’s dressed, fed and taken care of in general. My focus in the evenings is to keep Princess fed, and then get her to bed which now takes an entire hour (without bath, with baths it takes one and half hours). She’s a lot of work. Very demanding but still cute and I’m trying my hardest to treasure these last moments of toddlerhood since we are not having any more kids. She’s very attached to me and while I love it, sometimes it gets in the way of things like me eating my dinner and being a mother to Monkey, too.
This morning, Hubby told Monkey that I would be taking him to school today. Monkey’s response was “No, I want you to take me.” When Hubby asked why, Monkey responded, “Because I like you.” That broke my heart. I know I haven’t been spending a lot of time with him lately and that needs to change.
Work has picked up, I’m taking on more responsibility again and feeling like a caged rat by all of the responsibility in my work and personal life. Not to mention that I feel like I”m only giving each area my least effort because I’m tired ALL OF THE TIME. Yet when an email came from Monkey’s school PTA, I felt compelled to volunteer for something because clearly I haven’t been a very good mother to him as of late. Doesn’t it seem like people just want more and more from you and if you can’t juggle work, laundry, have a perfectly clean house, committee meetings, and not to mention actually BEING a mother and wife to your family, then you are not achieving or are less of a person? Or is that just me?
Some days, I just want to say F it all and stay in bed all day. Why bother? There will always be laundry, dishes, more meetings, more work, more, more, more.
I really want to know the secret or is it just some farce? I have feeling it’s the latter but lately, I just feel like the sad clown. Back to the metaphor … queue the calliope music …